her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
