I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
where am i from again
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
