Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
