The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
