Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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