worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
