ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
the day after is always just damage control
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
