my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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