my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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