so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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