sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I believe in your delicious
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
