in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
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