Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
