I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He? As in you personified your dick?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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