And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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