Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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