i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
