AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
