The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Someone came in the potted fern
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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