Hey man sorry I got all grabby
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize