I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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