the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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