sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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