if i can run in heels then i can drive
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
