Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
