I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
