hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
