I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
