ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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