when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
