Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
