I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
