Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
