dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
