Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize