He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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