I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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