my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Randomize
