When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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