dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
