If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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