allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize