she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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