Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
