He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
