remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
