just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
