Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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