I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
