i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
