haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
