ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You're a waste of cheezeits
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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