We're facebook friends in real life
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
