My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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