does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
