we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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