problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
where are my pants?
in the oven.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
