insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
