Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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