turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
