Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
